A few random thoughts...

I know, it's been a long time. Life has a way of getting away from us sometimes, but give me credit...I'm here now, right? ;) I've wanted to share a few random thoughts with you and have finally finished up typing and editing this post. I hope it's helpful to someone.

Before I lost my weight, I hated myself. Absolutely, truly hated myself. There was NOTHING about myself that I loved. There was nothing about myself that I even liked anymore. At some point, I remember thinking that the only thing I sort of still liked was my hair, but eventually even that slipped away. I had reached the point to where I hated every body part, every image in the mirror, every photo, even the sound of my voice. I HATED me. I felt completely worthless. Didn't know what my purpose in life was. All I knew was that I was depressed, in chronic pain, miserable and completely unhappy with who my physical self was. I was very uncomfortable in my own skin. I hated being around most people, especially groups of people. But then the weight started coming off and I seemed to quickly learn to not hate myself so much. I learned to like myself. I learned that I COULD BE happy in my own skin. I learned to accept myself. I discovered that I was not worthless. That I deserved to be happy. I saw that life was in front of me and that I didn't want it to pass me by. I wanted to be part of it. I wanted to grab a hold of it and hang on. I wanted to truly live life...and I have started to. But not so fast... something happened. Something else slowly crept in. It was subtle. But it happened. Now, all of the sudden, I take what everyone says to heart. Everyone seems to have an opinion on what I eat, what my body looks like, how much or how little exercise I do or don't do, whether or not I should lose more weight etc. It seems to catapult me back to those feelings of my old self-criticism and self-hatred...except this time, it's what others are saying to me and not what I tell myself. You know, as a girl/woman/female...we already struggle with body image. We pick ourselves apart shred by shred, inch by inch. We're never happy with who we are or what our body looks like. At least most of us aren't. We play the compare game. We size ourselves up against others women and what their body looks like. Since I've lost my weight, I feel like I've entered a whole different realm of criticism. Whether negative or positive, every single comment a person says to me seems to linger with me and make such an impact. It may seem small to them, it may even seem like general conversation but I don't forget. I inventory every comment. If someone says something negative about something I'm wearing...I might not ever wear it again. If it's something negative about what I'm eating, I'll likely not buy it ever again because I feel like I shouldn't be eating it. Or I might fix it differently. If it's something about my exercise, it either deters me from continuing or causes me to obsess about it and do it in private. Every comment seems to make me to doubt myself and yet at the same time I know it's all up to ME (and only me) and not anyone else as far as how I take care of my body. I also know it's just a body...a temporary shell on this earth. Yet, a temple at the same time.

And sometimes...not all the time, but sometimes, I remind myself that I LOST 115 LBS the good old-fashioned way and that I should be PROUD of myself and that it DOES NOT MATTER what anyone else says. I have to learn to be happy with myself. To l♥ve myself. To accept myself. To get to know the real me. To know that I KNOW HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT THE HEALTHY WAY. To not doubt myself. To eat what I want to eat because I KNOW HOW to eat. To exercise when and how I want to. To remember that I KNOW MY BODY better than anyone else does. Ultimately it comes down to not caring about what everyone else thinks, says or makes me feel. That's hard because I've always cared what others think about me. I don't want anyone to think bad of me or to think anything negative about me but I know that you can't make everyone happy. It just doesn't happen that way. Someone is always going to be disappointed. PERIOD. I suppose it's just a constant battle. A constant struggle. I know it's the same with eating as it is with drinking or any other kind of addiction. You may overcome it but it's always something that needs constant awareness and diligence. Something to always keep in check.

So I guess what I have to realize is how far I've come and to remember that I am probably the healthiest I've ever been in my life. I should be grateful for that and simply learn to embrace my body and it's many imperfections.

I've also really wanted to say this for a long time but just don't seem to have the time to sit and type it out, but I want every person that's struggling to lose weight to know that you CAN do it! No matter who you are, no matter how much weight you have to lose, no matter how overwhelming it might seem...you CAN do it. Truly. I know you can! The one and more important thing I can tell you is that it has to be a LIFE CHANGE. I also want you to know that I know how it feels. I know that being overweight is painful...physically and mentally. I know that being overweight is embarrassing. I know that starting the weight loss process is the hardest part. I know what it feels like to try and lose weight...100 times over. I know that constant feeling of just wanting nothing but to be a "normal" size. I know how it feels to have ALL of these feelings and emotions and to cover them up by eating...only to have them come back after a binge...over and over and over again. I know the vicious cycle. I know the fear of being unhealthy. I know the fear of having chest pains and wondering if I'll die young. I know the dread of going to the doctor because he/she's just gonna say "you need to lose weight". I know the feeling of wanting to hide every time a camera makes it's appearance. I know how exhausting it is. I know the feeling of always wanting to hide from everyone. I know the tears. I know the depression. I know the loneliness. I know the feeling of defeat and worthlessness. And I KNOW that there are others out there that feel JUST LIKE THIS. Maybe you're reading this right now. Maybe you had every intention to start your weight loss journey this week or maybe when fall arrived. Maybe you're planning to start after the holidays or next Monday or whenever. Whatever the case...JUST START. JUST START!! For me the first month is the hardest, but really...what's 30 days in your life? Do yourself a favor. Change your life for the better. Get yourself out of your pain, your rut, your depression, your frustration and loneliness...whatever it is. FREE YOURSELF!! It truly is an amazing feeling!

You know...this journey I've been on has CHANGED.MY.LIFE. My blog has been an outlet for me and I hope that it's also enlightened you in the process and even more, I hope it's inspired you. As always, if I can help anyone, please use the contact form in the right column and I will try to help you in any way that I can!

This, that and the other...

Every once in a while I think of something I want to share with all of you. I keep all my thoughts/links/websites in a folder on my laptop so when I'm ready to post, they're all there in one place. So...here's a little of what I've been wanting to share. :)

1. I've been wanting to say that my dentist ROCKS! For real...who can say that, lol?! I went for my regular cleaning back in February and when my hygienist called me back, we chatted like we normally do and she had taken notice that I had lost a lot of weight..considering I hadn't seen her in 6 months, I had lost 90-something lbs. She started asking me how I lost it while she started cleaning my teeth. (Don't you love it when they ask you questions when your mouth is being poked and scraped, lol?!) About 4 or 5 minutes into my cleaning she asked if I had ever considered getting my teeth whitened. I told her that I had but that that it was expensive and that it wasn't really a priority. She agreed and understand and went about my cleaning. A few minutes later, she excused herself and said she had to go check on something. She came back and told me that before she did any more cleaning she was taking impressions of my teeth that day and they were going to whiten my teeth FOR FREE!!! She said that losing 100lbs deserved a reward! I was sooooooo touched! Such kindness! I really couldn't believe it but in all fairness, my dentist has been my dentist since I was a little girl and he really is an AWESOME person. And now...I have white teeth!! Thanks Dr. Bentley and Dr. Stevens!

2. I'm still marinading my chicken breasts on Saturday night and grilling them on Sundays, but I was looking for some more oil-free marinades. I found a few online and wanted to share. I've only tried the Honey-Mustard one and it is really good. Looking forward to trying a couple of the other ones as well. Here are the recipes and the links will also be posted under my recipes on the right side.

Basic Honey Barbecue

* 3/4 cup tomato ketchup
* 2 Tbsp Worcestershire sauce
* 2 Tbsp honey
* 1 Tbsp lemon juice
* 1/4 tsp hot sauce (or more, to taste)

Combine all ingredients (except hot sauce) with wire whisk. Taste before adding hot sauce, and add gradually to ensure spiciness fits your personal taste. Marinate chicken.

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Orange Ginger Marinade
* 1/4 cup unsweetened orange juice
* 2 Tbsp orange marmalade
* 1 Tbsp red wine vinegar
* 1/2 tsp grated ginger
* 1/2 tsp grated orange zest
* ½ tsp fresh black pepper
* 1/4 tsp salt

Combine all ingredients. Marinate chicken.

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Honey Mustard Marinade
* ½ cup Dijon mustard
* ½ cup white wine vinegar
* 1/4 cup soy sauce
* 2 Tbsp honey
* 1 clove garlic

Mince garlic and combine all ingredients. Marinate chicken.

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Lemon Rosemary Marinade
* 3/4 cup fresh lemon juice
* 1 Tbsp water
* 1 Tbsp honey
* 2 Tbsp freshly ground black pepper
* 1 Tbsp dried rosemary
* 1 tsp dried sage
* 1 tsp dried thyme
* 1 tsp onion powder

Combine all ingredients and marinate chicken.
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3. I came across this site when I was Googling for something and I think it's very cool. You type in your zip code and select your price range and it'll search for restaurants in your area with healthy dining options. It even gives you all the nutritional information. Love that they do all the legwork for us. Neat, huh?

4. Anyone jump rope? I don't know what got into me but I just had an urge to go buy a jump rope...so I did, lol! I've done it a couple times since I bought it and it is a WORKOUT when u get going! *Whew!* I haven't jumped rope since I was young but my sister, cousin and a neighborhood girl or two and I used to fire up some mean double-dutch, lol! Fun times! Love that I can do it as an adult now.

5. I've also taken roller-blading (aka inline-skating) back up the last few weeks. Man, it is REALLY FUN! Roller-blading is another GREAT workout. I found this site that gives some great information. And just for fun, I have a little video of me roller-blading, lol! Can't see me 'cause I'm the one holding my cell phone, lol. :)

6. I've also continued walking and jogging a bit. This particular day I ran/walked in the cemetery. It was quiet and peaceful there. I really enjoyed it. In one of these videos, you can hear the chimes that sit on the hill of the cemetery. I like when they go off when I'm near the river. It's a change of pace from walking in the neighborhood.

First I jogged up the hill:


Then I did a fast walk along the river (can u hear the chimes?):



7. Came across this article (What's really in your fast food?) one day and found it interesting...not shocking at all, but interesting. ICK.

So there you have it. I have a couple of things sitting in that folder but they'll take a little more effort to write up, so I'll save it for another post.

Also wanted to say thanks for all your comments on my previous post!

And by the way...if you're the one who posted the comment (All I can say is WOW!!!! I mean I knew you were losing a lot of weight BUT WOW Nicole!! I ALWAYS thought you to be a VERY funny, beautiful girl anyway but you have out done yourself here. You look like a model and I am EXTREMELY proud of you my dear. Keep plugging away and this is the very first time I have seen a pic so it REALLY blew me away. Very happy for you.") under anonymous on this post, would love to know who you are. :)

A bit of food randomness...

Hi everyone! Over the past several weeks, I've been jotting down different food thoughts that I've wanted to share so I thought I'd throw them all into one random post, so here they are! Enjoy!

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► I'm trying a new recipe this week : *Crispy Fish Fingers. This is another Ellie Krieger recipe. I will be using halibut instead of flounder since I'm not a flounder lover. I tell ya, I can't get away from her or her recipes. I love how sensible they are and more than that, they're delicious and healthy! You can find her on The Food Network. I really love how the recipes have all the nutritional information included as well as reviews from everyday cooks that have tried her recipes. She also has a website and several cookbooks. *Recipe is now posted in my sidebar with the other recipes.

► Every Saturday, I make a double batch of marinade from the Teriyaki Chicken Thighs recipe (recipe in sidebar - FYI: I leave out the sherry since I never have it on hand and since I don't like a lot of heat, I also omit the red pepper flakes) and throw in 10-12 chicken breasts (thawed, trimmed of fat) and let it sit overnight in the fridge (I just use a 1 gallon Ziploc bag). On Sunday, I grill all of them and then keep them in the fridge for the week. I might grab one for lunch, make a sandwich, dice and put on a salad, slice and eat w/whole grain crackers and low-fat cheese or dip in Spicy Peanut Sauce etc. For me, I need to have food ready and accessible when I'm hungry, otherwise I start grazing, lol . Thanks to my nutritionist friend for this tip!

► I just realized a month or so ago that I have not eaten or bought cream cheese since July! This is a big deal to me because I always...and I mean always had cream cheese on hand. I'd have it to make cheese balls, dips, homemade veggie cream cheese for sandwiches etc. I love cream cheese but when I was cleaning out my refrigerator last week, I had a brick of it and realized it expired in September, lol. Goodbye saturated fat! I haven't even missed it!

► I also realized that I haven't bought a single pound of butter since July. I grew up on real butter so it was another staple that I had in my freezer. I'd always have 4 or 5 lbs at all times for baking. It's weird because I really can't stand butter in it's plain form. I've never liked it on bread, bagels, baked potatoes or anything like that. I don't like the greasy texture or taste. If I do use any kind of butter now, I use whipped, unsalted butter and it's very rare.

► When I find myself having a busy day, running errands or sometimes just too lazy to make lunch, I grab a Protein Plus PowerBar. They're packed with protein and are great on the run. I truly haven't come across one that I haven't liked. They all taste really good and none of them have that chalky taste that other brands do. You can find them at Sam's Club in a box of 16 (8 Vanilla Yogurt & 8 Chocolate Peanut Butter) for around $16.00 which is a really good price (and they're both really good). If you buy them individually at Wal-Mart, Kroger, Meijer, Target etc, they run anywhere from $2 - $3+ per bar which is really pricey if you ask me. But...to try new flavors, I've been guilty of paying that, lol. I've tried and liked Dark Chocolate Toffee Nut, Cinnamon Roll, Chocolate Brownie & Dulce de Leche.

► I love turkey sausage! Have you tried it? When I bring it home, I cut it into 2 oz portions (I use a little 1 lb food scale for weighing) and keep the portions stored in a Ziploc bag. That way it's all ready to go when I want it. I thought I'd share a few brands that I've tried and liked.

- My favorite just happens to also be the lowest in sodium which is Hillshire Farm's Smoked Turkey Sausage.
- I also really like Butterball Smoked Turkey Dinner Sausage.
- Oscar Mayer's Smoked Turkey Sausage is also good.

I will also warn you that Kroger's own brand of turkey sausage is not good. The casing on it is so tough and chewy that I couldn't even cut it. Really icky.

►I love making protein smoothies for breakfast. My nutritionist friend told me to throw in a scoop of whey protein powder and recommended Body Fortress Super Advanced Whey Protein. Not sure if it's available at every typical grocery store, but I have seen it at Kroger although it's less expensive at Wal-Mart ($14.68 for a 2lb container). My favorite flavor is strawberry! Chocolate is a close second. Vanilla is also good but I'm not a huge vanilla fan, so I stick with strawberry now. There's several other flavors that I haven't tried yet.

► My protein smoothie (serves 2 generously!) recipe: (I throw it all in my blender)

2 scoops protein powder
2 c. skim milk
2 c. frozen, unsweetened blueberries or unsweetened strawberries (or 1 c. of each)
1/2 c. non-fat, plain yogurt
1 large handful fresh baby spinach (optional, but I really like it and really can't tell it's there)
2 Tbsp. ground flaxseed (also optional and a great source of fiber, omega-3 fatty acids, magnesium etc., and can't tell it's there. Just make sure to use ground and not whole. The nutrients in freshly ground seeds is better absorbed by your body than whole seeds. I use a little spice grinder to grind mine.)

I've made these probably 4 times/week for the last several months!

Until next time, thanks for stickin' with me! :)