A few random thoughts...

I know, it's been a long time. Life has a way of getting away from us sometimes, but give me credit...I'm here now, right? ;) I've wanted to share a few random thoughts with you and have finally finished up typing and editing this post. I hope it's helpful to someone.

Before I lost my weight, I hated myself. Absolutely, truly hated myself. There was NOTHING about myself that I loved. There was nothing about myself that I even liked anymore. At some point, I remember thinking that the only thing I sort of still liked was my hair, but eventually even that slipped away. I had reached the point to where I hated every body part, every image in the mirror, every photo, even the sound of my voice. I HATED me. I felt completely worthless. Didn't know what my purpose in life was. All I knew was that I was depressed, in chronic pain, miserable and completely unhappy with who my physical self was. I was very uncomfortable in my own skin. I hated being around most people, especially groups of people. But then the weight started coming off and I seemed to quickly learn to not hate myself so much. I learned to like myself. I learned that I COULD BE happy in my own skin. I learned to accept myself. I discovered that I was not worthless. That I deserved to be happy. I saw that life was in front of me and that I didn't want it to pass me by. I wanted to be part of it. I wanted to grab a hold of it and hang on. I wanted to truly live life...and I have started to. But not so fast... something happened. Something else slowly crept in. It was subtle. But it happened. Now, all of the sudden, I take what everyone says to heart. Everyone seems to have an opinion on what I eat, what my body looks like, how much or how little exercise I do or don't do, whether or not I should lose more weight etc. It seems to catapult me back to those feelings of my old self-criticism and self-hatred...except this time, it's what others are saying to me and not what I tell myself. You know, as a girl/woman/female...we already struggle with body image. We pick ourselves apart shred by shred, inch by inch. We're never happy with who we are or what our body looks like. At least most of us aren't. We play the compare game. We size ourselves up against others women and what their body looks like. Since I've lost my weight, I feel like I've entered a whole different realm of criticism. Whether negative or positive, every single comment a person says to me seems to linger with me and make such an impact. It may seem small to them, it may even seem like general conversation but I don't forget. I inventory every comment. If someone says something negative about something I'm wearing...I might not ever wear it again. If it's something negative about what I'm eating, I'll likely not buy it ever again because I feel like I shouldn't be eating it. Or I might fix it differently. If it's something about my exercise, it either deters me from continuing or causes me to obsess about it and do it in private. Every comment seems to make me to doubt myself and yet at the same time I know it's all up to ME (and only me) and not anyone else as far as how I take care of my body. I also know it's just a body...a temporary shell on this earth. Yet, a temple at the same time.

And sometimes...not all the time, but sometimes, I remind myself that I LOST 115 LBS the good old-fashioned way and that I should be PROUD of myself and that it DOES NOT MATTER what anyone else says. I have to learn to be happy with myself. To l♥ve myself. To accept myself. To get to know the real me. To know that I KNOW HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT THE HEALTHY WAY. To not doubt myself. To eat what I want to eat because I KNOW HOW to eat. To exercise when and how I want to. To remember that I KNOW MY BODY better than anyone else does. Ultimately it comes down to not caring about what everyone else thinks, says or makes me feel. That's hard because I've always cared what others think about me. I don't want anyone to think bad of me or to think anything negative about me but I know that you can't make everyone happy. It just doesn't happen that way. Someone is always going to be disappointed. PERIOD. I suppose it's just a constant battle. A constant struggle. I know it's the same with eating as it is with drinking or any other kind of addiction. You may overcome it but it's always something that needs constant awareness and diligence. Something to always keep in check.

So I guess what I have to realize is how far I've come and to remember that I am probably the healthiest I've ever been in my life. I should be grateful for that and simply learn to embrace my body and it's many imperfections.

I've also really wanted to say this for a long time but just don't seem to have the time to sit and type it out, but I want every person that's struggling to lose weight to know that you CAN do it! No matter who you are, no matter how much weight you have to lose, no matter how overwhelming it might seem...you CAN do it. Truly. I know you can! The one and more important thing I can tell you is that it has to be a LIFE CHANGE. I also want you to know that I know how it feels. I know that being overweight is painful...physically and mentally. I know that being overweight is embarrassing. I know that starting the weight loss process is the hardest part. I know what it feels like to try and lose weight...100 times over. I know that constant feeling of just wanting nothing but to be a "normal" size. I know how it feels to have ALL of these feelings and emotions and to cover them up by eating...only to have them come back after a binge...over and over and over again. I know the vicious cycle. I know the fear of being unhealthy. I know the fear of having chest pains and wondering if I'll die young. I know the dread of going to the doctor because he/she's just gonna say "you need to lose weight". I know the feeling of wanting to hide every time a camera makes it's appearance. I know how exhausting it is. I know the feeling of always wanting to hide from everyone. I know the tears. I know the depression. I know the loneliness. I know the feeling of defeat and worthlessness. And I KNOW that there are others out there that feel JUST LIKE THIS. Maybe you're reading this right now. Maybe you had every intention to start your weight loss journey this week or maybe when fall arrived. Maybe you're planning to start after the holidays or next Monday or whenever. Whatever the case...JUST START. JUST START!! For me the first month is the hardest, but really...what's 30 days in your life? Do yourself a favor. Change your life for the better. Get yourself out of your pain, your rut, your depression, your frustration and loneliness...whatever it is. FREE YOURSELF!! It truly is an amazing feeling!

You know...this journey I've been on has CHANGED.MY.LIFE. My blog has been an outlet for me and I hope that it's also enlightened you in the process and even more, I hope it's inspired you. As always, if I can help anyone, please use the contact form in the right column and I will try to help you in any way that I can!

Caught up in a whirlwind...

Gosh, I’ve wanted to post for a few weeks but time just seems to slip away…

First and foremost…as I mentioned in my last post, my first goal was to lose 60lbs by Nov. 10^thth and as of Nov. 8th I've lost 61.6lbs! I knew I could do it and now I’m looking forward to my next goal… 80lbs lost by the end of December. I can do it. I will do it! Thanks again to my nutritionist friend for giving me goals! It helps me to see the light at the end of the tunnel for sure...

I’m typing this blog post as a sit waiting for blood work to be done. It’s a 2 hour deal (glucose test) so I figured this was as good a time as any. I’m looking forward to my blood results as I have PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) w/Insulin Resistance (a pre-diabetic condition but can be reversed with proper diet and exercise) and am hoping that my life changes over the past 4 months will have changed how my body deals with this. I would love to come back and post that I no longer have it, but we’ll see. *Fingers crossed*

Life is moving along in this journey of mine and I’ve learned a great deal over the last month especially. I’ve been given something that I didn’t bargain for or was ever prepared for and that’s the overwhelming emotional journey and changes of losing 60+ lbs thus far. I’m not sure how comfortable I feel getting personal out here in cyberspace but I’ll say what I feel I can and I hope it’ll be of some help to someone. If anything, it’ll be therapeutic for me to get it out, so thanks in advance for sticking with me.

I have learned without a shadow of a doubt that society absolutely judges a person that is morbidly obese (or obese or overweight or whatever you want to call it. That just happened to be me 4 months ago). It happens. It’s sad. It’s wrong. It’s unfair. It’s judgmental. It’s just not right. It’s happened to me and although before my weight loss, I’m not sure I realized it was happening to me. Over the past month, I’ve had numerous run-ins with people from my life that treated me different when I was obese than how they treated me when I saw them recently.

I was shopping a month or so ago and I saw a lady who I’ve known for many years. There was this part of me that wanted to approach her and say hi (thanks to my new-found confidence!) and the other part of me wanted to hide within the clothes on the rack because I had always felt like she looked down on me. She always had a way of making me feel beneath her. She made me feel like I was less than her. I had seen her out and about many times before only to have her look away and continue on as if she didn’t see me. She made me feel like nothing and I hated that feeling. It’s a feeling of despair. I would instantly feel so stupid when she was around. This time was different and I didn’t know how to handle it. She saw me and I was instantly enveloped with a tight hug from her. She told me she had heard that I was losing weight and was working hard at it. She told me how happy she was for me. She told me she thought it was wonderful. She told me I looked fantastic. She started to cry. Tears. Real tears. For me. I didn’t know what to do with it. She told me that I must feel amazing. I told her I did feel amazing. She told me how proud of me she was. I thanked her for her kind words and thanked her for her happiness for me and she hugged me again. When I walked away, I felt numb. I felt confused. I found myself thinking, “She likes me now”. “She likes me now because I’m thinner”. “She likes me because I look more normal”. “She didn’t like me before because I was obese”. “I’m good enough for her now”. “She stopped and talked to me because it wasn’t embarrassing for her this time”. This experience turned out to be very overwhelming for me. I’ve thought about it a lot since then. I've dissected it and analyzed it. Probably too much.

I also had another experience at a local business that I go to once every month or two. There are a few girls that work there and it’s always been uncomfortable. I dreaded going in there. I dreaded the looks I would get when I walked in. I dreaded the fact that sometimes I had to draw attention to myself (or at least it felt like that) when I had to ring the bell to get service. I dreaded that I had to go back to pick up what I had dropped off a few days later. This time was different. I walked in and saw their eyes grazing my body from top to bottom. I saw smiles. One of them called back to the other one “to come and see” me. They were so happy to see me. They made me feel welcome. They told me that I looked great. They said they hardly recognized me. They treated me like a fairly normal-sized person (or at least what I feel like fairly normal-sized is). Again, overwhelming and confusing. I wasn’t ever fully accepted before this.

On the other hand, I’ve had the opposite happen and again, I didn’t expect it. This time, someone close to me. Someone that’s been in my life for many years. This person does not feel comfortable being around me nor will this person acknowledge my weight loss. It is a strange thing. It hurts and yet, I understand it. Let’s just clear the air and point out that this person is not my hubby, lol!

These are just a few that I feel I can share here. I think I’ll keep the rest to myself for now.

It just seems like someone should tell you when you start a life-changing journey like this that you should be prepared for the emotional toll, both positive and negative? Over the past month or so, the emotional changes in my life have been extremely difficult to sort out and make sense of. I’ve literally lost sleep about it. I wake up thinking about it. I fall asleep thinking about it. When I’m driving, I think about it. It’s funny…when I was thinking of a title for my blog, I thought about it for weeks. I had a list of ten or so titles and finally settled on “Getting to Know the Real Nicole” without knowing then that I’d truly be doing just that through this journey. I could feel that I was changing and something was going on with me at that time, but not to the capacity that I’m feeling now. Sometimes, I truly do not know who I am. Really, I don’t.

I'm finding that is seems like I’m quickly scooping out the past 15 years and tossing it all aside in a big heap. But with all that grunge that’s being tossed, there’s also bits of goodness that need to be sorted out and figured out. There’s 12 years of marriage with someone who’s been nothing but perfect, there’s family who has loved me no matter my size, there’s life lessons I’ve learned, there’s memories that can’t ever be replaced etc. But it’s hard when I was the old Nicole for so long. I knew her but the old Nicole had settled. She existed. She got by day by day, barely. She covered up her emotions. She hid it all away so no one could see…so she wouldn’t be vulnerable. She ran from uncomfortable situations. She had zero confidence. Zero self-esteem. She pretended. She put up a good front. She thrived on no one seeing her. Her thoughts were kept down deep. She felt worthless. She began to wonder what her purpose truly was.

And then...all of the sudden this new person emerges with a brand new outlook on life and living. She has fresh thoughts, new feelings, different wants, different desires, changes and emotions and it’s all packed tight within this new Nicole who I’m trying to get to know. All of those fresh thoughts, feelings etc, are bursting at the seams to be free. They want out. They want to experience life and newness. She wants to always be doing something. She wants to be with people. She wants to be active and healthy. She wants to make clean, healthy choices. She wants to get to know new people. She wants to share her life with others as well as learn about theirs. She is always thinking. She is constantly observing. She wants to feel life and all it has to offer. She is confident. She feels good about herself. She is almost always soaking up happiness and joy. She wants to be involved in life. She is full of energy. She feels young and alive. She is now thriving on what it feels like to truly live. This is the new Nicole and I like her. For once, I like me.

It feels like I have a new world in front of me that is filled with opportunity and second chances. I’ve been given a fresh start. I just have to seek out what I want to take with me and what to leave behind. I need to learn what I expect of myself and others. I need to take time to introduce my new self to me as well as others and to understand that not only is this a major life adjustment for me but for those close to me as well. It’s proving to be a difficult path to walk. Sometimes scary. It’s the unknown and the unseen that makes me edgy. I just need to take it one day at a time and lean on those that I'm close to and that I can trust and depend on. I need that in my life.

It's a very complicated experience to express in words. As I type this, my words are seeming so simple but I hope this is making sense to someone who is reading this...