A REAL update...for REAL!

Okay, first of all...you guys are hilarious. Thanks for the harassment about my wretched timeliness, lol. But really, doesn't it seem like time evaporates into thin air? Goodness.

Because it's been so long, I had to go look up my numbers and compare since my last post and since I'm so very close to my goal weight (will talk about that more below...) I don't weigh myself as often as I used to. For that matter, the same goes for my measurements, food-tracking etc. But mind you, I still keep a fairly close eye on what I eat, how I exercise and all of that, although now that I know my body and what happens when I eat something I shouldn't or when I don't exercise as I should, it makes it easier to not be as strict as I was before. I know about how many calories I consume without tracking just like I know what a serving looks like now without measuring everything. After 10-11 months, you just get the hang of it. ;)

So, the numbers...since my last post on March 29th. They may seem a little jumbled but my weight tends to fluctuate these days so these numbers are close enough to where I am.

-I've lost an additional 10-12lbs bringing me to a total of 112 -114lbs lost...
-I currently weigh anywhere between 170 -172lbs. But really, it can fluctuate a few more pounds than that too, lol. (I weighed 180.8 at the end of March)

-My BMI has went from 26.9 to 25.8 (only 8/10th's of a lb shy of being "normal" on the BMI scale!)

-I've lost an additional 6.5 inches. That's a total of 48 inches lost!

-I've went from wearing a 9/10 in my waist to a 6 or 8! (Started out a size 26!)-
-My shirt size can be anywhere between a small and a large. It depends on the store but I used to wear a 3x.
-I am also down another bra size and the girls seem to be happy there, lol.

I really feel like I'm getting to the point where I won't lose much more, although honestly, I would still like to lose another 10lbs but if I don't, I'm happy where I'm at. When I first started this journey, I had a goal weight of 150lbs but looking at everything now, I think that would be too thin for my build. I'd like to be somewhere around 160-165lbs. I feel like at that weight, I'd have 5lbs to play with up or down and I think I'd still be comfortable w/my weight. Having said that, I'm always having to remind myself of how far I've come and that I am NOT looking for perfection. I know that I have done my body a great deal of good. I am SO much healthier than I was and that alone is the more important thing. It makes it all worth it. I have rid myself of Insulin Resistance (a pre-diabetic condition), knee pain, chronic foot pain, lower back pain, exhaustion, chest pains, depression etc.

As always, I have more to say but I just wanted to get this posted. I'm also going to try and get an updated photo and will share when I have it.

Thanks for stopping by! :)

End of month wrap-up...

*WHEW*! Where in the world did December go? Gosh, I really had every intention to keep up on my posts this month, but it just didn't happen. The good news is that I have AWESOME news to share and that's why I'm here now!

First of all, I had posted back in November that I have PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome w/Insulin Resistance and was getting blood work done to see if my change of eating and exercise would affect my numbers. Well...it has payed off in a BIG way!! No more Insulin Resistance for me!! My numbers were well within normal range which is soooo GREAT! I am really proud of myself because I changed that! Me!

Second, I survived the holidays and all the sweets, cookies, goodies and treats that come with it, although I didn't doubt that I wouldn't. ;) I didn't end up baking sugar cookies for Christmas Eve like I normally do. I was going to since my sister and sister-n-law love my cookies but turns out when I went to the grocery store, they were out of sugar cookie dough, so it all worked out fine. I didn't miss them at all.

So, the holiday came and went and I received a couple of the best Christmas prezzies I could have asked for. These were so big they weren't wrapped. ;)

1. I reached my first major goal in this journey I'm on! As I've said before, my nutritionist friend told me several months ago that I should be able to lose 80lbs by the end of December and he was right. And... I did it 11 days early! I reached that goal last Sunday, the 20th. As of my weigh-in yesterday I am officially at 83lbs lost since July 13th!! 5 months. Wow. If someone would have told me in July where I'd be today, I would have never believed them. Never.

2. And there's always icing on the cake...yesterday I officially dropped out of the 200 Club!!! I'm under 200lbs and for me, that is ridiculously exciting! I can't remember weighing myself and seeing the number 1 in front for a long, long time. What an outrageous feeling. When I stepped on the scale and saw that lovely number, I actually clapped at myself...you know, like the weird way Barney claps, lol. Didn't care though. I was sooooooo happy!! I don't ever want to go back to the 200 Club. I hope they never let me in again. ;)

So, this is how December played out for me...

I lost 10.8 lbs this month bringing me from 282 in July to 199 now! 83 total lbs thus far (24 weeks). I'm averaging a 3.46lb/week loss.

I also lost an additional 7 inches combined this month. That's a total of 34.5" gone from the start!

Hips -2"
Thigh -3"
Calf -.5"
Bust -1.5"

I could definitely feel/see the loss in my bust, thighs and hips this month which is a weird but great feeling! It's so odd to see your body changing before your very eyes.

My BMI was 31.7 at the beginning of the month and is now at 30.3. Losing just 3 more pounds will get me out of the obese category and into the overweight category! Very cool.

I am also down another size in my waist. I went from a 16 to a 14 and can even fit into a larger 12, but I'm keeping myself at a 14 right now until I can comfortably fit into a 12.

So with my first major goal accomplished, I am really looking forward to my next set of goals. I'm anxious to see what's next! With the help of my nutritionist friend and my family doctor, I am aiming to lose another 35-50 lbs before it's all said and done and I start the maintain process. I'll get it narrowed down as I continue to go on and see how my body adjusts. At this point, my goal is to get somewhere between 150-165lbs.

The emotional changes and adjustments are still difficult but I'm trying to work through them one day at a time. Would love to know if anyone reading this might know of any help books or resources dealing with emotional adjustments after losing a large amount of weight. I'd love to know about them. You can leave any information in the comment section or by using the "contact me" button in my right sidebar. Thank you.

Will also have new full-body photo up soon!

Hope everyone reading this had a beautiful holiday! Thanks to each and every one of you for being here supporting me and stopping by my little corner of the world. I couldn't do this without support and encouragement!

Caught up in a whirlwind...

Gosh, I’ve wanted to post for a few weeks but time just seems to slip away…

First and foremost…as I mentioned in my last post, my first goal was to lose 60lbs by Nov. 10^thth and as of Nov. 8th I've lost 61.6lbs! I knew I could do it and now I’m looking forward to my next goal… 80lbs lost by the end of December. I can do it. I will do it! Thanks again to my nutritionist friend for giving me goals! It helps me to see the light at the end of the tunnel for sure...

I’m typing this blog post as a sit waiting for blood work to be done. It’s a 2 hour deal (glucose test) so I figured this was as good a time as any. I’m looking forward to my blood results as I have PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) w/Insulin Resistance (a pre-diabetic condition but can be reversed with proper diet and exercise) and am hoping that my life changes over the past 4 months will have changed how my body deals with this. I would love to come back and post that I no longer have it, but we’ll see. *Fingers crossed*

Life is moving along in this journey of mine and I’ve learned a great deal over the last month especially. I’ve been given something that I didn’t bargain for or was ever prepared for and that’s the overwhelming emotional journey and changes of losing 60+ lbs thus far. I’m not sure how comfortable I feel getting personal out here in cyberspace but I’ll say what I feel I can and I hope it’ll be of some help to someone. If anything, it’ll be therapeutic for me to get it out, so thanks in advance for sticking with me.

I have learned without a shadow of a doubt that society absolutely judges a person that is morbidly obese (or obese or overweight or whatever you want to call it. That just happened to be me 4 months ago). It happens. It’s sad. It’s wrong. It’s unfair. It’s judgmental. It’s just not right. It’s happened to me and although before my weight loss, I’m not sure I realized it was happening to me. Over the past month, I’ve had numerous run-ins with people from my life that treated me different when I was obese than how they treated me when I saw them recently.

I was shopping a month or so ago and I saw a lady who I’ve known for many years. There was this part of me that wanted to approach her and say hi (thanks to my new-found confidence!) and the other part of me wanted to hide within the clothes on the rack because I had always felt like she looked down on me. She always had a way of making me feel beneath her. She made me feel like I was less than her. I had seen her out and about many times before only to have her look away and continue on as if she didn’t see me. She made me feel like nothing and I hated that feeling. It’s a feeling of despair. I would instantly feel so stupid when she was around. This time was different and I didn’t know how to handle it. She saw me and I was instantly enveloped with a tight hug from her. She told me she had heard that I was losing weight and was working hard at it. She told me how happy she was for me. She told me she thought it was wonderful. She told me I looked fantastic. She started to cry. Tears. Real tears. For me. I didn’t know what to do with it. She told me that I must feel amazing. I told her I did feel amazing. She told me how proud of me she was. I thanked her for her kind words and thanked her for her happiness for me and she hugged me again. When I walked away, I felt numb. I felt confused. I found myself thinking, “She likes me now”. “She likes me now because I’m thinner”. “She likes me because I look more normal”. “She didn’t like me before because I was obese”. “I’m good enough for her now”. “She stopped and talked to me because it wasn’t embarrassing for her this time”. This experience turned out to be very overwhelming for me. I’ve thought about it a lot since then. I've dissected it and analyzed it. Probably too much.

I also had another experience at a local business that I go to once every month or two. There are a few girls that work there and it’s always been uncomfortable. I dreaded going in there. I dreaded the looks I would get when I walked in. I dreaded the fact that sometimes I had to draw attention to myself (or at least it felt like that) when I had to ring the bell to get service. I dreaded that I had to go back to pick up what I had dropped off a few days later. This time was different. I walked in and saw their eyes grazing my body from top to bottom. I saw smiles. One of them called back to the other one “to come and see” me. They were so happy to see me. They made me feel welcome. They told me that I looked great. They said they hardly recognized me. They treated me like a fairly normal-sized person (or at least what I feel like fairly normal-sized is). Again, overwhelming and confusing. I wasn’t ever fully accepted before this.

On the other hand, I’ve had the opposite happen and again, I didn’t expect it. This time, someone close to me. Someone that’s been in my life for many years. This person does not feel comfortable being around me nor will this person acknowledge my weight loss. It is a strange thing. It hurts and yet, I understand it. Let’s just clear the air and point out that this person is not my hubby, lol!

These are just a few that I feel I can share here. I think I’ll keep the rest to myself for now.

It just seems like someone should tell you when you start a life-changing journey like this that you should be prepared for the emotional toll, both positive and negative? Over the past month or so, the emotional changes in my life have been extremely difficult to sort out and make sense of. I’ve literally lost sleep about it. I wake up thinking about it. I fall asleep thinking about it. When I’m driving, I think about it. It’s funny…when I was thinking of a title for my blog, I thought about it for weeks. I had a list of ten or so titles and finally settled on “Getting to Know the Real Nicole” without knowing then that I’d truly be doing just that through this journey. I could feel that I was changing and something was going on with me at that time, but not to the capacity that I’m feeling now. Sometimes, I truly do not know who I am. Really, I don’t.

I'm finding that is seems like I’m quickly scooping out the past 15 years and tossing it all aside in a big heap. But with all that grunge that’s being tossed, there’s also bits of goodness that need to be sorted out and figured out. There’s 12 years of marriage with someone who’s been nothing but perfect, there’s family who has loved me no matter my size, there’s life lessons I’ve learned, there’s memories that can’t ever be replaced etc. But it’s hard when I was the old Nicole for so long. I knew her but the old Nicole had settled. She existed. She got by day by day, barely. She covered up her emotions. She hid it all away so no one could see…so she wouldn’t be vulnerable. She ran from uncomfortable situations. She had zero confidence. Zero self-esteem. She pretended. She put up a good front. She thrived on no one seeing her. Her thoughts were kept down deep. She felt worthless. She began to wonder what her purpose truly was.

And then...all of the sudden this new person emerges with a brand new outlook on life and living. She has fresh thoughts, new feelings, different wants, different desires, changes and emotions and it’s all packed tight within this new Nicole who I’m trying to get to know. All of those fresh thoughts, feelings etc, are bursting at the seams to be free. They want out. They want to experience life and newness. She wants to always be doing something. She wants to be with people. She wants to be active and healthy. She wants to make clean, healthy choices. She wants to get to know new people. She wants to share her life with others as well as learn about theirs. She is always thinking. She is constantly observing. She wants to feel life and all it has to offer. She is confident. She feels good about herself. She is almost always soaking up happiness and joy. She wants to be involved in life. She is full of energy. She feels young and alive. She is now thriving on what it feels like to truly live. This is the new Nicole and I like her. For once, I like me.

It feels like I have a new world in front of me that is filled with opportunity and second chances. I’ve been given a fresh start. I just have to seek out what I want to take with me and what to leave behind. I need to learn what I expect of myself and others. I need to take time to introduce my new self to me as well as others and to understand that not only is this a major life adjustment for me but for those close to me as well. It’s proving to be a difficult path to walk. Sometimes scary. It’s the unknown and the unseen that makes me edgy. I just need to take it one day at a time and lean on those that I'm close to and that I can trust and depend on. I need that in my life.

It's a very complicated experience to express in words. As I type this, my words are seeming so simple but I hope this is making sense to someone who is reading this...