100 ways losing 100lbs (YES, ONE HUNDRED!!) has changed my life!

I can't believe it's happened but...I've officially lost *100*lbs!!!!! As of February 21st, I weighed 182lbs...100lbs less than when I started this journey on July 13th, '09...only 7 months ago! (And for the record, even since then I'm down 102 lbs, lol.) What a fantastic thing to be able to say! Amazingly proud of myself and hope I don't sound boastful saying that, but I AM PROUD OF ME.

You know, I can remember watching many an Oprah show where her guests had lost 100lbs and sometimes more. They'd break through the poster of their old overweight self and come out onstage. You know how they do that. The audience would stand up and clap and an ecstatic, beaming smile would be what seemed like forever etched across the guest's face. It never failed...I'd be be sitting on my couch...crying and feeling lots of emotions. I was sooo happy for them. I couldn't imagine how happy they must be. I wondered what it must feel like. What was their new life like? Was it what they thought it'd be? I always wanted it for myself but it seemed so impossible and out of reach. I never believed it'd ever happen to me and here it has!

So, to commemorate my 100lbs gone (FOREVER!), I've added onto my list that I had previously posted when I lost my first 50. No need for all of you to read my first 50 if you've already read them, so just skip down to 50-100 if you'd like...unless you have nothing better to do, lol.

1. I’m down 5 sizes in my waist
2. Chronic pain has left my life
3. I have energy like never before
4. I wake up by 6:00 or 6:30am
5. I am no longer a night owl
6. I can walk up several flights of stairs without being out of breath
7. I can cross my legs under a table, booth etc
8. My seat belt stays between my breasts instead of on the side
9. I can easily walk 2 miles
10. I am able to buckle the airline seat belt with plenty of excess
11. I smile more than I ever have
12. Migraines have left my life
13. I have learned there is nothing I could eat that would make me happier than I am now
14. I feel like I have a fresh start in my life
15. I feel amazingly happy and free
16. I can fold my arms securely and keep them on my chest
17. I can put on my socks and shoes by simple pulling my legs up to my chest
18. I love and enjoy working out
19. I’ve lost 21.5”
20. I can do 100 crunches
21. My joints no longer ache
22. I have confidence in myself
23. I have become truly aware of what “living life” means
24. My bath towel easily wraps around me and tucks in nicely
25. I like photos of me now
26. I no longer get leg or foot cramps in the middle of the night
27. I can sit in a booth without the table touching my mid-section
28. I try new things and don’t beat myself up if I fail
29. I look forward to standing on the scale
30. I genuinely care about my body and me
31. I own my feelings with less shame
32. I’ve had to remove a link from both my watches
33. I no longer have chest pains
34. I can see my feet in the shower
35. I can go shopping for hours at a time
36. I can complete 20 minutes on the elliptical machine
37. I know how much a portion is and only eat one serving
38. I can tuck in my shirt and wear a belt
39. I wonder what it will be like to lose a total of 130 pounds
40. I work out everyday between 60-90 minutes
41. I am responsible and accountable for everything I eat
42. My BMI has went from 42.9 to 35.3
43. I have a sense of self-worth that I’ve never had
44. I can look at myself in the mirror and not feel miserable
45. My tears in the dressing room are now tears of joy and not defeat
46. My wedding rings no longer fit
47. I’d rather be out doing something than sitting at home
48. I’ve seen muscles I never knew I had
49. I can eat anything without feeling like I’m being judged and snickered at
50. I AM IN CONTROL!
51. I can see my collar bones
52. I’ve discovered my hip bones (I literally thought I had a tumor at first, lol)
53. I can put anything in the dryer and who cares if it shrinks…it still fits!
54. I can sit with both of my legs up against my chest and it’s comfortable
55. I can wear cute shoes other than my New Balance sneakers that I’ve lived in for 10 yrs.
56. I can jog!
57. I am no longer considered obese on the BMI scale…just overweight.
58. I am not afraid to go first or to walk ahead of anyone
59. I am much less anxious about walking into a group of people
60. I have rid myself of my pre-diabetic condition, Insulin Resistance! That is huge!
61. I can complete 45 minutes on the elliptical compared to my 20 minutes at 50lbs lost
62. I am nowhere near plus size clothes anymore…just regular misses for me!
63. I am down about 8 sizes in my waist (size 26 to 9/10 now)
64. I have lost an additional 20” since my first 50lbs I lost. That’s 41.5” lost so far!
65. I can wear a white shirt or jacket and not feel like a ginormous marshmallow.
66. I like and need to wear belts! I even poked a hole in one of my old belts…12 inches down from the nearest old hole!
67. My fingers are a lot skinnier!
68. I’ve went from a size 3x top to a regular misses medium or large!
69. I am genuinely proud of myself.
70. I can cross my legs while riding in the car
71. I am down 4 bra sizes
72. I get cold more easily and now I feel bad for giving my mom such a hard time for years, lol. Sorry mom.
73. I have made new friends!
74. I don’t feel “FAT” anymore. I still have work to do but to not constantly feel fat is a good feeling!
75. I drink a lot of green tea…as opposed to drinking sugary hot chocolate.
76. I look forward to meal planning and grocery shopping.
77. I want to help as many people as I can in their own weight loss journey!
78. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel
79. I look forward to getting up and getting my day going.
80. I can almost figure out my calories for the day without logging them but I still do it to keep me on track and accountable.
81. Eating has become for survival…not for feeding my emotions.
82. I love to buy and eat healthy foods. I feel so good when I do!
83. I’ve started volunteering…something I would have NEVER considered doing being an obese person.
84. I go to the gym and work out no matter who is there. Busy or not, I’m working out!
85. I can count the number of headaches I’ve had on one hand over the last 7 months. I used to get migraine-like headaches almost weekly.
86. I feel sooooooo much healthier!
87. I drink skim milk…something I never thought I’d do, lol.
88. I am a much more positive person.
89. Hey look…I have a breastbone!!
90. I almost feel like I’m a “normal” size.
91. My body doesn’t bump into everything anymore.
92. Cravings for junk food and empty calories have nearly diminished.
93. My feet and ankles no longer swell.
94. Binge eating does not exist in my life anymore although I still crave carbs sometimes, lol.
95. I can wear knee socks…couldn’t get them over my calf when I was obese.
96. Putting on lotion doesn’t take near as long…a lot less body to cover!
97. I am more aware of myself and others around me.
98. Almost all my self-consciousness has gone away. AMAZING!
99. I am so close to my ULTIMATE goal!
100. I am STILL in control…well, we know Who is ultimately in control but as far as my eating and healthy decisions I make, food does NOT control me.

I also want to give a shout-out to a special friend of mine. A couple weeks ago she asked me if I had made it to my 100lbs lost mark yet and I told her that I had. She surprised me with a beautiful gift bag (with the cutest tissue paper, mind you!) full of fun things in sets of 100 and lots of funsies...almonds, post-its, chap-stick, tissues, moisturizer etc. I thought it was sooooo kind and thoughtful and I've really enjoyed getting to know her and I thoroughly enjoy our chats, so THANKS my friend! You know who you are. :)

And for a really quick end-of-the-month wrapup for February...

3 additional inches lost
Lost 7 pounds
Went from a size 11/12 to a 9/10
Went down another bra size

I will admit that February was not a month that I put my forth my BEST effort. I slacked on my cardio big time, lol. BUT...this month is already different. I'm back on track, have started the Body for Life 12 week Weight-Training Program and feel great!

I have so much to say since I haven't posted in a month, but I'll save it for another post. Just wanted to share this milestone with all of you! Thanks for keeping with me. Still have roughly 20lbs or so to go and am working on toning up my body now. I can't believe I'm this close to the end! So exciting! I hope you'll continue to stick with me!

I'm off to call The Dr. Oz Show to tell him what I've accomplished and to see if I can wiggle myself onto his show! LOL! Just kidding of course. ;)

And I know...I am making a liar out of myself but for real...I WILL post a pic soon. It's just been so stinkin' cold out and life has just been super busy these days but I will do my best!

Until the next time...

End of month wrap-up...

Writing this as I watch The Biggest Loser. Tell me you watch too!? If you don't, you really should! Such an inspirational show! I can relate to so many different aspects and it never ceases to amaze me how determined and successful a person can be if they want to.

So, can you believe it's February? It's already staying longer lighter; have you noticed? Oh, how it makes me so happy! I am itching for spring! So ready for warmer walks, birds chirping when the sun comes up, the smell of a warm rain, green grass and green trees. Sounds perfect huh?!

Okay, so many of you have been asking for a recent photo and I promise I've been meaning to get one up but I just haven't yet, BUT... it will be soon. Promise!
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And, it's that time again...my end of the month update and January was very good to me!

This month, I lost 12.2 lbs which brings me down to 187.8 lbs. That means I've lost a total of 95.2 lbs in 6.5 months! My average weekly loss is at 3.28 lbs/week! Only 5 more lbs and I will have lost 100 lbs!!!!! I should reach that goal over the next 2 weeks and then....I will post a photo of myself!

I also lost another 7" combined this month (same as December!). That's a total of 41.5" gone! Here's my specifics for the month:

Waist -2" (starting 48", current 38")
Thigh -.5" (starting 29", current 21.5")
Calf -.5" (starting 18.5", current 16.5")
Bust -2" (starting 49", current 41.5")
Upper Arm -2" (starting 17", current 12")

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Didn't lose any in my hips or neck in January but here's my measurements anyway...

Hips - starting 51", current 41"
Neck - starting 15.5", current 14"

My BMI also continues to get smaller which is awesome. It was 30.3 at the beginning of the month and is now at 28.6. I am officially out of the obese category and am now just considered "overweight". Love that! Need to lose another 24 lbs and I'll be in the "normal" category, lol.

I am also down another size or two in my waist. I went from 14 to an 11/12 and can even get into a couple of 10's. That really blows my mind. I haven't worn those sizes for a LONG time...probably 14 or 15 yrs old and for me that's 20-21 years ago. Geez. It is an amazing feeling to walk into a regular store and pick out whatever I want and have it fit. Almost priceless!

My goal is still to get somewhere between 150-165lbs so that leaves me with about 20-35 more lbs until I'm done and start the maintain process. I can't believe how far I've come so quickly.

FYI: All my stats in my sidebar are updated if you want to take a peek...

Will be posting a few new recipes soon so keep an eye out if that interests you. Thanks for sticking with me! :)

A bit of food randomness...

Hi everyone! Over the past several weeks, I've been jotting down different food thoughts that I've wanted to share so I thought I'd throw them all into one random post, so here they are! Enjoy!

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► I'm trying a new recipe this week : *Crispy Fish Fingers. This is another Ellie Krieger recipe. I will be using halibut instead of flounder since I'm not a flounder lover. I tell ya, I can't get away from her or her recipes. I love how sensible they are and more than that, they're delicious and healthy! You can find her on The Food Network. I really love how the recipes have all the nutritional information included as well as reviews from everyday cooks that have tried her recipes. She also has a website and several cookbooks. *Recipe is now posted in my sidebar with the other recipes.

► Every Saturday, I make a double batch of marinade from the Teriyaki Chicken Thighs recipe (recipe in sidebar - FYI: I leave out the sherry since I never have it on hand and since I don't like a lot of heat, I also omit the red pepper flakes) and throw in 10-12 chicken breasts (thawed, trimmed of fat) and let it sit overnight in the fridge (I just use a 1 gallon Ziploc bag). On Sunday, I grill all of them and then keep them in the fridge for the week. I might grab one for lunch, make a sandwich, dice and put on a salad, slice and eat w/whole grain crackers and low-fat cheese or dip in Spicy Peanut Sauce etc. For me, I need to have food ready and accessible when I'm hungry, otherwise I start grazing, lol . Thanks to my nutritionist friend for this tip!

► I just realized a month or so ago that I have not eaten or bought cream cheese since July! This is a big deal to me because I always...and I mean always had cream cheese on hand. I'd have it to make cheese balls, dips, homemade veggie cream cheese for sandwiches etc. I love cream cheese but when I was cleaning out my refrigerator last week, I had a brick of it and realized it expired in September, lol. Goodbye saturated fat! I haven't even missed it!

► I also realized that I haven't bought a single pound of butter since July. I grew up on real butter so it was another staple that I had in my freezer. I'd always have 4 or 5 lbs at all times for baking. It's weird because I really can't stand butter in it's plain form. I've never liked it on bread, bagels, baked potatoes or anything like that. I don't like the greasy texture or taste. If I do use any kind of butter now, I use whipped, unsalted butter and it's very rare.

► When I find myself having a busy day, running errands or sometimes just too lazy to make lunch, I grab a Protein Plus PowerBar. They're packed with protein and are great on the run. I truly haven't come across one that I haven't liked. They all taste really good and none of them have that chalky taste that other brands do. You can find them at Sam's Club in a box of 16 (8 Vanilla Yogurt & 8 Chocolate Peanut Butter) for around $16.00 which is a really good price (and they're both really good). If you buy them individually at Wal-Mart, Kroger, Meijer, Target etc, they run anywhere from $2 - $3+ per bar which is really pricey if you ask me. But...to try new flavors, I've been guilty of paying that, lol. I've tried and liked Dark Chocolate Toffee Nut, Cinnamon Roll, Chocolate Brownie & Dulce de Leche.

► I love turkey sausage! Have you tried it? When I bring it home, I cut it into 2 oz portions (I use a little 1 lb food scale for weighing) and keep the portions stored in a Ziploc bag. That way it's all ready to go when I want it. I thought I'd share a few brands that I've tried and liked.

- My favorite just happens to also be the lowest in sodium which is Hillshire Farm's Smoked Turkey Sausage.
- I also really like Butterball Smoked Turkey Dinner Sausage.
- Oscar Mayer's Smoked Turkey Sausage is also good.

I will also warn you that Kroger's own brand of turkey sausage is not good. The casing on it is so tough and chewy that I couldn't even cut it. Really icky.

►I love making protein smoothies for breakfast. My nutritionist friend told me to throw in a scoop of whey protein powder and recommended Body Fortress Super Advanced Whey Protein. Not sure if it's available at every typical grocery store, but I have seen it at Kroger although it's less expensive at Wal-Mart ($14.68 for a 2lb container). My favorite flavor is strawberry! Chocolate is a close second. Vanilla is also good but I'm not a huge vanilla fan, so I stick with strawberry now. There's several other flavors that I haven't tried yet.

► My protein smoothie (serves 2 generously!) recipe: (I throw it all in my blender)

2 scoops protein powder
2 c. skim milk
2 c. frozen, unsweetened blueberries or unsweetened strawberries (or 1 c. of each)
1/2 c. non-fat, plain yogurt
1 large handful fresh baby spinach (optional, but I really like it and really can't tell it's there)
2 Tbsp. ground flaxseed (also optional and a great source of fiber, omega-3 fatty acids, magnesium etc., and can't tell it's there. Just make sure to use ground and not whole. The nutrients in freshly ground seeds is better absorbed by your body than whole seeds. I use a little spice grinder to grind mine.)

I've made these probably 4 times/week for the last several months!

Until next time, thanks for stickin' with me! :)

End of month wrap-up...

*WHEW*! Where in the world did December go? Gosh, I really had every intention to keep up on my posts this month, but it just didn't happen. The good news is that I have AWESOME news to share and that's why I'm here now!

First of all, I had posted back in November that I have PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome w/Insulin Resistance and was getting blood work done to see if my change of eating and exercise would affect my numbers. Well...it has payed off in a BIG way!! No more Insulin Resistance for me!! My numbers were well within normal range which is soooo GREAT! I am really proud of myself because I changed that! Me!

Second, I survived the holidays and all the sweets, cookies, goodies and treats that come with it, although I didn't doubt that I wouldn't. ;) I didn't end up baking sugar cookies for Christmas Eve like I normally do. I was going to since my sister and sister-n-law love my cookies but turns out when I went to the grocery store, they were out of sugar cookie dough, so it all worked out fine. I didn't miss them at all.

So, the holiday came and went and I received a couple of the best Christmas prezzies I could have asked for. These were so big they weren't wrapped. ;)

1. I reached my first major goal in this journey I'm on! As I've said before, my nutritionist friend told me several months ago that I should be able to lose 80lbs by the end of December and he was right. And... I did it 11 days early! I reached that goal last Sunday, the 20th. As of my weigh-in yesterday I am officially at 83lbs lost since July 13th!! 5 months. Wow. If someone would have told me in July where I'd be today, I would have never believed them. Never.

2. And there's always icing on the cake...yesterday I officially dropped out of the 200 Club!!! I'm under 200lbs and for me, that is ridiculously exciting! I can't remember weighing myself and seeing the number 1 in front for a long, long time. What an outrageous feeling. When I stepped on the scale and saw that lovely number, I actually clapped at myself...you know, like the weird way Barney claps, lol. Didn't care though. I was sooooooo happy!! I don't ever want to go back to the 200 Club. I hope they never let me in again. ;)

So, this is how December played out for me...

I lost 10.8 lbs this month bringing me from 282 in July to 199 now! 83 total lbs thus far (24 weeks). I'm averaging a 3.46lb/week loss.

I also lost an additional 7 inches combined this month. That's a total of 34.5" gone from the start!

Hips -2"
Thigh -3"
Calf -.5"
Bust -1.5"

I could definitely feel/see the loss in my bust, thighs and hips this month which is a weird but great feeling! It's so odd to see your body changing before your very eyes.

My BMI was 31.7 at the beginning of the month and is now at 30.3. Losing just 3 more pounds will get me out of the obese category and into the overweight category! Very cool.

I am also down another size in my waist. I went from a 16 to a 14 and can even fit into a larger 12, but I'm keeping myself at a 14 right now until I can comfortably fit into a 12.

So with my first major goal accomplished, I am really looking forward to my next set of goals. I'm anxious to see what's next! With the help of my nutritionist friend and my family doctor, I am aiming to lose another 35-50 lbs before it's all said and done and I start the maintain process. I'll get it narrowed down as I continue to go on and see how my body adjusts. At this point, my goal is to get somewhere between 150-165lbs.

The emotional changes and adjustments are still difficult but I'm trying to work through them one day at a time. Would love to know if anyone reading this might know of any help books or resources dealing with emotional adjustments after losing a large amount of weight. I'd love to know about them. You can leave any information in the comment section or by using the "contact me" button in my right sidebar. Thank you.

Will also have new full-body photo up soon!

Hope everyone reading this had a beautiful holiday! Thanks to each and every one of you for being here supporting me and stopping by my little corner of the world. I couldn't do this without support and encouragement!

End of the month wrap-up...

It’s the end of the month which means, time to say goodbye to November, goodbye to additional pounds, goodbye to more fat and update my stats!

This month in my life proved to be a lot to handle, frankly. For the first time since I began this journey, there was a week where I didn’t lose any/didn’t gain any and I’ll be honest…it freaked me out. I didn’t like the scale much that morning. But that was also a very emotional week (see my last post). It was eye-opening and now I'm dealing with sorting it all out which has not and will not be easy. It’s always on my mind now. I guess time is what I need. I don't know. I will say that the next week was much better when I lost 4lbs. *Whew*.

So…here’s how November broke down for me:

I lost 16.2 lbs this month bringing me from 282 in July to 209.8 now! That’s a total of 72.2 lbs lost since I’ve started (20 weeks!). I’m averaging a 3.6 lb loss/week.

This month, I lost an additional 6 combined inches: (bringing me to a total of 27.5 inches lost since July)

1.5 inches – bust

4 inches – hips

.5 inch – neck (this measurement makes me laugh but I can tell the difference!)

My BMI on November 1^st was 34.4 and since losing these 16.2lbs, it’s now at 31.9. Note: You can calculate your own BMI by going here.

Next week (and month!), I’m working my butt off. I took this last week completely off from working out at the YW. My body needed the break and as it turned out, I ended up being sick for 4-5 days so it probably needed the rest anyway. I did walk a few evenings but as for cardio and strength training…NONE this week. The center was also closed 2 out of 3 of my pool days, so I missed that for sure (I have no clue how I’m doing to deal with the center being closed for 2 weeks for the December holidays!). I’m okay with it but I’m kicking it up next week. I have to. I still want to reach my next goal of a total of 80lbs lost by the end of December which means I have just less than 10 lbs to lose in the next month. That seems very attainable. :)

Speaking of December, so many people have asked me how I’m going to do it with the holidays. People…I’ve changed and when I say that, I mean it. I don’t know how else to say it. The holidays don’t scare me one bit. I know they ask me because they know I use to love to bake. I’d bake loads of cookies. I’d stand on my feet in the kitchen ALL DAY and bake. I’d try new recipes. I’d share with the neighbors. I’d take a boatload to my mom’s for Christmas Eve. I’d take them to my In-Laws. I’d also eat a lot myself. I tell ya…the best way I can explain it is that food was a temporary high for me. You eat it, you feel good while you’re eating it and then for me…I’d come off the high and crash. Hard. Then came the guilt and regret of eating it. Beating myself up. Man, talk about an addiction. It is an addiction. It’s just NOT worth it to me anymore though. I’d much rather pass it by or simply choose to not have it in my house. I’ve changed. My life has changed. My outlook on food has changed. Food no longer controls me. It’s not a priority…or should I say, food is a priority but it’s a different priority. It’s about making healthy, sensible choices. It’s about fueling my body with nutrition and not empty calories. There are other things about the holidays that I will enjoy just as much and I’ll feel so much better about indulging in friends or family as opposed to holiday food. Other things in my life make me happy now and I know I’ve said it before and I truly mean it…there is no food that I could eat that would make me happier than I feel about myself right now. The cookies, the candy, the sweets, the parties, the festivities, the holidays, whatever… BRING IT ON. :)

Look for another post from me soon...I've already got it started.

Caught up in a whirlwind...

Gosh, I’ve wanted to post for a few weeks but time just seems to slip away…

First and foremost…as I mentioned in my last post, my first goal was to lose 60lbs by Nov. 10^thth and as of Nov. 8th I've lost 61.6lbs! I knew I could do it and now I’m looking forward to my next goal… 80lbs lost by the end of December. I can do it. I will do it! Thanks again to my nutritionist friend for giving me goals! It helps me to see the light at the end of the tunnel for sure...

I’m typing this blog post as a sit waiting for blood work to be done. It’s a 2 hour deal (glucose test) so I figured this was as good a time as any. I’m looking forward to my blood results as I have PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) w/Insulin Resistance (a pre-diabetic condition but can be reversed with proper diet and exercise) and am hoping that my life changes over the past 4 months will have changed how my body deals with this. I would love to come back and post that I no longer have it, but we’ll see. *Fingers crossed*

Life is moving along in this journey of mine and I’ve learned a great deal over the last month especially. I’ve been given something that I didn’t bargain for or was ever prepared for and that’s the overwhelming emotional journey and changes of losing 60+ lbs thus far. I’m not sure how comfortable I feel getting personal out here in cyberspace but I’ll say what I feel I can and I hope it’ll be of some help to someone. If anything, it’ll be therapeutic for me to get it out, so thanks in advance for sticking with me.

I have learned without a shadow of a doubt that society absolutely judges a person that is morbidly obese (or obese or overweight or whatever you want to call it. That just happened to be me 4 months ago). It happens. It’s sad. It’s wrong. It’s unfair. It’s judgmental. It’s just not right. It’s happened to me and although before my weight loss, I’m not sure I realized it was happening to me. Over the past month, I’ve had numerous run-ins with people from my life that treated me different when I was obese than how they treated me when I saw them recently.

I was shopping a month or so ago and I saw a lady who I’ve known for many years. There was this part of me that wanted to approach her and say hi (thanks to my new-found confidence!) and the other part of me wanted to hide within the clothes on the rack because I had always felt like she looked down on me. She always had a way of making me feel beneath her. She made me feel like I was less than her. I had seen her out and about many times before only to have her look away and continue on as if she didn’t see me. She made me feel like nothing and I hated that feeling. It’s a feeling of despair. I would instantly feel so stupid when she was around. This time was different and I didn’t know how to handle it. She saw me and I was instantly enveloped with a tight hug from her. She told me she had heard that I was losing weight and was working hard at it. She told me how happy she was for me. She told me she thought it was wonderful. She told me I looked fantastic. She started to cry. Tears. Real tears. For me. I didn’t know what to do with it. She told me that I must feel amazing. I told her I did feel amazing. She told me how proud of me she was. I thanked her for her kind words and thanked her for her happiness for me and she hugged me again. When I walked away, I felt numb. I felt confused. I found myself thinking, “She likes me now”. “She likes me now because I’m thinner”. “She likes me because I look more normal”. “She didn’t like me before because I was obese”. “I’m good enough for her now”. “She stopped and talked to me because it wasn’t embarrassing for her this time”. This experience turned out to be very overwhelming for me. I’ve thought about it a lot since then. I've dissected it and analyzed it. Probably too much.

I also had another experience at a local business that I go to once every month or two. There are a few girls that work there and it’s always been uncomfortable. I dreaded going in there. I dreaded the looks I would get when I walked in. I dreaded the fact that sometimes I had to draw attention to myself (or at least it felt like that) when I had to ring the bell to get service. I dreaded that I had to go back to pick up what I had dropped off a few days later. This time was different. I walked in and saw their eyes grazing my body from top to bottom. I saw smiles. One of them called back to the other one “to come and see” me. They were so happy to see me. They made me feel welcome. They told me that I looked great. They said they hardly recognized me. They treated me like a fairly normal-sized person (or at least what I feel like fairly normal-sized is). Again, overwhelming and confusing. I wasn’t ever fully accepted before this.

On the other hand, I’ve had the opposite happen and again, I didn’t expect it. This time, someone close to me. Someone that’s been in my life for many years. This person does not feel comfortable being around me nor will this person acknowledge my weight loss. It is a strange thing. It hurts and yet, I understand it. Let’s just clear the air and point out that this person is not my hubby, lol!

These are just a few that I feel I can share here. I think I’ll keep the rest to myself for now.

It just seems like someone should tell you when you start a life-changing journey like this that you should be prepared for the emotional toll, both positive and negative? Over the past month or so, the emotional changes in my life have been extremely difficult to sort out and make sense of. I’ve literally lost sleep about it. I wake up thinking about it. I fall asleep thinking about it. When I’m driving, I think about it. It’s funny…when I was thinking of a title for my blog, I thought about it for weeks. I had a list of ten or so titles and finally settled on “Getting to Know the Real Nicole” without knowing then that I’d truly be doing just that through this journey. I could feel that I was changing and something was going on with me at that time, but not to the capacity that I’m feeling now. Sometimes, I truly do not know who I am. Really, I don’t.

I'm finding that is seems like I’m quickly scooping out the past 15 years and tossing it all aside in a big heap. But with all that grunge that’s being tossed, there’s also bits of goodness that need to be sorted out and figured out. There’s 12 years of marriage with someone who’s been nothing but perfect, there’s family who has loved me no matter my size, there’s life lessons I’ve learned, there’s memories that can’t ever be replaced etc. But it’s hard when I was the old Nicole for so long. I knew her but the old Nicole had settled. She existed. She got by day by day, barely. She covered up her emotions. She hid it all away so no one could see…so she wouldn’t be vulnerable. She ran from uncomfortable situations. She had zero confidence. Zero self-esteem. She pretended. She put up a good front. She thrived on no one seeing her. Her thoughts were kept down deep. She felt worthless. She began to wonder what her purpose truly was.

And then...all of the sudden this new person emerges with a brand new outlook on life and living. She has fresh thoughts, new feelings, different wants, different desires, changes and emotions and it’s all packed tight within this new Nicole who I’m trying to get to know. All of those fresh thoughts, feelings etc, are bursting at the seams to be free. They want out. They want to experience life and newness. She wants to always be doing something. She wants to be with people. She wants to be active and healthy. She wants to make clean, healthy choices. She wants to get to know new people. She wants to share her life with others as well as learn about theirs. She is always thinking. She is constantly observing. She wants to feel life and all it has to offer. She is confident. She feels good about herself. She is almost always soaking up happiness and joy. She wants to be involved in life. She is full of energy. She feels young and alive. She is now thriving on what it feels like to truly live. This is the new Nicole and I like her. For once, I like me.

It feels like I have a new world in front of me that is filled with opportunity and second chances. I’ve been given a fresh start. I just have to seek out what I want to take with me and what to leave behind. I need to learn what I expect of myself and others. I need to take time to introduce my new self to me as well as others and to understand that not only is this a major life adjustment for me but for those close to me as well. It’s proving to be a difficult path to walk. Sometimes scary. It’s the unknown and the unseen that makes me edgy. I just need to take it one day at a time and lean on those that I'm close to and that I can trust and depend on. I need that in my life.

It's a very complicated experience to express in words. As I type this, my words are seeming so simple but I hope this is making sense to someone who is reading this...

Feels good...

Do you ever have such a good workout that you feel like you're above the world? Like you can do anything at that given moment? Like all is well with everything? Like you want to scream out to everyone who can hear you that you're getting fit and healthy? Like you can't wait to come back tomorrow and do it all over again? That was me today. I went to the gym this morning (even had to stand outside for 5 minutes until it opened, lol) and worked myself silly on the elliptical and for some reason, it felt extra good today! Maybe it's because I can remember the days when it took all that was in me to do 5 or 6 minutes until I felt like I was going to pass out. Then I'd stop. I'd feel hopeless. I knew those 5 or 6 minutes didn't do anything for me and I knew I'd pay for the pain that day AND the next. Back in those days, I just wanted to jump on that machine and sweat it up like everyone else did though. They made it look so easy. I wanted to go fast. I wanted to pedal forward AND backward. I knew I couldn't though. The pain in my foot was unbearable. But, NOW I CAN! YAY ME! When I got in my car afterwards, I saw my face in the rear-view mirror and it was fire red! LOL! I think it was that way for the next 45 minutes! Felt good though!

Get out of my way people, Nikki P is coming through! :)

Also, tomorrow is my weigh day. I always weigh myself on Sunday mornings and as always, I'm looking forward to it! Tomorrow is also November 1st (how did that happen?!), so I'll be posting my updated weight over there → in the right hand column and will also post how many pounds I lost this month so keep your eyes out. My shortest term goal starting out was 60 pounds by Nov. 1oth (thanks to my nutritionist friend for my goals! Love having something to aim for!) and I think I'll do it!

50 ways losing 50 pounds changed my life...

When I officially lost 50 pounds a couple weeks ago, I thought it'd be fitting to make a list of how losing that much weight has changed my life. When I first started the list, I wondered how I was going to ever come up with FIFTY changes. That seemed like an enormous amount, lol. It turns out as I got started, I couldn't stop, lol. I even went over 50 but decided to stop and stick with just 50. When I lose 100, I'm sure I'll make a list then also. It was really eye-opening and encouraging for me!

When I was done making my list (which maybe took me 15 minutes to complete), I found that my list contained actual physical changes as well as emotional and mental changes which I found interesting. As I've been on this journey, I don't think I've realized just how much my life is changing in so many ways...little ways and big ways. It's not just about dropping pounds. It's about changing my thinking (which has come naturally to me it seems), changing my actions and changing everyday habits for the rest of my life. I love that feeling!

So, here we go: (and keep in mind that a few of these have changed even now, considering I've now lost 50+ pounds!)

1. I’m down 5 sizes in my waist
2. Chronic pain has left my life
3. I have energy like never before
4. I wake up by 6:00 or 6:30am
5. I am no longer a night owl
6. I can walk up several flights of stairs without being out of breath
7. I can cross my legs under a table, booth etc
8. My seat belt stays between my breasts instead of on the side
9. I can easily walk 2 miles
10. I am able to buckle the airline seat belt with plenty of excess
11. I smile more than I ever have
12. Migraines have left my life
13. I have learned there is nothing I could eat that would make me happier than I am now
14. I feel like I have a fresh start in my life
15. I feel amazingly happy and free
16. I can fold my arms securely and keep them on my chest
17. I can put on my socks and shoes by simple pulling my legs up to my chest
18. I love and enjoy working out
19. I’ve lost 21.5”
20. I can do 100 crunches
21. My joints no longer ache
22. I have confidence in myself
23. I have become truly aware of what “living life” means
24. My bath towel easily wraps around me and tucks in nicely
25. I like photos of me now
26. I no longer get leg or foot cramps in the middle of the night
27. I can sit in a booth without the table touching my mid-section
28. I try new things and don’t beat myself up if I fail
29. I look forward to standing on the scale
30. I genuinely care about my body and me
31. I own my feelings with less shame
32. I’ve had to remove a link from both my watches
33. I no longer have chest pains
34. I can see my feet in the shower
35. I can go shopping for hours at a time
36. I can complete 20 minutes on the elliptical machine
37. I know how much a portion is and only eat one serving
38. I can tuck in my shirt and wear a belt
39. I wonder what it will be like to lose a total of 130 pounds
40. I work out everyday between 60-90 minutes
41. I am responsible and accountable for everything I eat
42. My BMI has went from 42.9 to 35.3
43. I have a sense of self-worth that I’ve never had
44. I can look at myself in the mirror and not feel miserable
45. My tears in the dressing room are now tears of joy and not defeat
46. My wedding rings no longer fit
47. I’d rather be out doing something than sitting at home
48. I’ve seen muscles I never knew I had
49. I can eat anything without feeling like I’m being judged and snickered at
50. I AM IN CONTROL!

I love my list and I can't wait to see what my list will contain at 100 pounds lost! :)

How I'm losing my weight...

I have a lot of people I've run into (online and off) asking me how I'm losing my weight and I'm happy to share what I'm doing. The way I'm exercising and eating is working beautifully for me! I also definitely want to say that I'm getting very valuable help from a friend with a nutrition background who's been a integral part of this whole process. He's kept me on goal with watching my calories, carbs and proteins as well as keeping me on track with my exercise and keeping it changed up to help avoid plateau. I feel so blessed and grateful that he came into my life! With his help, my hard work and the support of family and friends, I am able to walk this journey.

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So, here we go:

1. I eat 3 meals AND 3 snacks each day... breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack.
   
   
2. I haven't been drinking pop (or soda depending on where in the country you're from, lol) in a few years and I've stuck with that. No diet pop either. I'm not an aspartame fan AT ALL.
   
   
3. I've dropped my iced coffee habit completely. I can honestly say that I haven't had any coffee since starting all this jazz in July. I can also honestly say that I used to order an iced coffee at McDonald's almost every day. Yes. It's true. UGH!
   
   
4. When it comes to grains, I search out 100% whole wheat or 100% multi-grain. This goes for my bread, pasta, couscous etc,. And rice... I stick with long-grain brown rice. (it is SO important to read the ingredients on each package!)
   
   
5. When it comes to meats, I stick with lean meats like turkey sausage, Canadian bacon, chicken breasts, pork loin, cod, salmon (not so lean, but a very healthy fat w/all those Omega-3's and a great protein source!), tilapia, scallops, shrimp and tuna (canned, in water...not oil).
   
   
6. As far as lean proteins, I like low-fat cottage cheese, low-fat cheese (made with 2% milk), skim or 1% milk, chickpeas, beans, egg whites etc,.
   
   
7. When choosing nuts, I tend to go with almonds or walnuts (raw, unsalted and I roast mine in a glass Pyrex dish to bring out their flavor)
   
   
8. I eat lots of fresh fruits and veggies - the more color the better! I even throw a cup of baby spinach into my morning protein shake!
   
   
9. I keep a close eye on my sugar intake and have cut it down significantly!
   
   
10. I measure out each and every serving and stick to ONE serving only!
    
    
11. I drink water almost exclusively except for hot green tea (decaf) a time or two a day.
    
    
12. I have chosen to simply NOT BUY JUNK FOOD. I just don't need it in my pantry. I've made a conscious decision to NOT have it in my house. I shop healthy and try to always have healthy foods stocked so that I always have easy decisions right in front of me.
    
    

As far as exercising:

I exercise 60-90 minutes a day, 6 days a week. This is an example of what my weekly routine looks like (although my nutritional friend and I try to keep it changed up every 3 weeks or so...again, to keep that plateau far from me!). My workouts are at the YWCA and normally I'm the only one in the gym. LOVE that! :) My walks are in the evenings with the hubs.

Sunday: (this is my sort of day off...I just walk in the evenings on Sunday)
Walk 2 miles/40 minutes.

Monday:
Aquatic Therapy (30 minutes - 15 cardio, 15 general)
Weight training - Upper Body (30 minutes)
Walk 2 miles/40 minutes

Tuesday:
20 Minute Aerobic Bike Workout (20 minutes on the recumbent bike, each minute is at a different/changing resistance level. It's tough but it's become much easier for me! YAY!)
Walk 2 miles/40 minutes

Wednesday:
Aquatic Therapy (30 minute - 15 cardio, 15 general)
Weight training - Lower Body (30 minutes - sometimes 45 if I jump on the elliptical machine)
Walk 2 miles/40 minutes

Thursday:
20 Minute Aerobic Bike Workout
Walk 2 miles/40 miles
*Every other week, I clean a gal's house and that's a 2.5 - 3 hr. workout...

Friday:
Aquatic Therapy (30 minutes - 15 cardio, 15 general)
Weight Training - Upper Body (30 minutes)
Walk 2 miles/40 minutes

Saturday:
20 Minute Aerobic Bike Workout
Walk 2 miles/40 miles

I move and groove a lot. I do. But, I love it and I am so thankful and blessed that I found (okay, with MAJOR help from hubs!) aquatic therapy that now allows my feet to take a lot of moving, finally!

A few other things:

- I've quit my night owl routine. I used to be up until 1 or 2am and now I go to bed around 10 or 11pm.

- I naturally get up between 6:00-7:00 and often times I wake up even earlier and I think it's just because my energy level is higher.

- I spend probably 50-60% less time on the computer and watching tv because I'd rather be moving now!

- I am very strict with myself because I know I have to be

- I avoid eating out as much as possible but if I do eat out, I choose VERY carefully, ask a lot of questions, request specifics and surprisingly they do what you ask. I'll also get online and look up a restaurant's nutritional information so that I'm well informed before I get there. It's my body. I care about it now and I'll do what I can to stay ahead of the game.
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Feel free to ask questions and I'll be happy to answer them the best I can. And of course remember, that we're all different. We all lose weight differently and there are so many different aspects of people's lives that can affect eating and exercise, so I guess it's fair to say that this happens to be working for me and that's the only one I can speak for. :)

Let me tell you...there's nothing I could eat that would make me happier than how I feel now!

Pictures speak a thousand words...

Some of my readers have already seen the following progress photos but for those who are reading my blog and don't know me from my scrappy forum, I wanted to also share with you.



So, here's the story behind these photos...

The 2006 photo was taken while on vacation. Hubby took this in front of Turtles on Little Sarasota Bay restaurant while I leaned against a palm tree. I can remember feeling good about myself that day and actually thinking I looked pretty. Looking back now, I think vacation bliss was clouding my reality, lol. Gosh. FYI - I weighed the same weight weight for the last 3 years, so that's why I'm using this photo as a comparable/now photo. When I started this journey in July, I still wore these clothes and was in the 280's...

The 2009 photo was taken this month while also on vacation in Siesta Key, FL (hubby and I's favorite place to vacation!). At that point, I had lost 43 pounds since July 13th (when I started to change my life!). I was having trouble seeing the difference in the mirror even though I had many people telling me they couldn't believe how different I looked (not to mention my measurements were drastically changing, the scale was definitely telling me a different story and my clothes were no longer fitting). I think that alone goes to show how warped our image of ourselves can be after years and years of seeing the same thing looking back at you not to mention the mental torment you put yourself through about your weight. Anyway, the talk of going back to Turtle restaurant and retaking the photo, 3 years later and 43 lbs lighter came to light. So, that's what we did. :)

I have to say that this was really the first time since July that I saw a BIG difference (no pun intended!). I can remember after hubby took the photo, I said "let me see how it looks"...so I looked at the camera and I couldn't believe that was me. It didn't even look like who I see everyday in the mirror. That night we went to a little place that had wi-fi and I took my photos off my camera. I still couldn't believe it was me that I was looking at. I didn't know who she was or where she came from all of the sudden.

When we came home after vacation, I decided to dig up that old 2006 photo on my external hard drive. I butted them up beside each other in Photoshop Elements and it honestly blew my mind. Wow. This was me...and that used to be me. I definitely saw the difference and what everyone else was talking to me about...finally. I also knew I NEVER wanted to go back to where I was. EVER.

I started this journey on July 13th this summer. I weighed 282 pounds. I'm averaging a 3lb loss per week. Still going strong and on my way to a short-term goal of losing 80 pounds by Christmas/end of December. I think I can do it! NO. I know I can do it and I will. :)