Friday, December 31, 2010

2011...make it your year!

New Year's Eve...2010. 17 months after starting to lose weight. Seems fitting to share some thing about this past year...

I came across this quote a month or so ago and I like it.

Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advance experience that shall explain and overlook the old. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson~

Since I've lost my weight, many things have changed. 2010 has brought me brought me the most overwhelming and dramatic changes I've probably ever experienced in my life. There have been many, many long days and too many sleepless nights of thinking, analyzing, wondering and praying for answers and clarity. I've learned many things about myself and one of those things is the fact that I am bound and determined to NEVER, EVER go back to living with being overweight again. I was recently asked to share a photo of me at my heaviest weight with someone. I shared it with her. She looked at it. She said "I would have never known it was you". I was then asked to hold the photo and look at it. I took it and held it in my hand. I looked at the girl in the photo. It was extremely difficult. I couldn't do it for more than a second or two. I looked away. Turned the photo over, put it down and started to cry. She then asked me..."what do you think when look at the photo?". Instantly...I said, "I hate her. She makes me sick. She wasted all of her 20's. Down the drain. She can never get them back. I detest her!". I felt such anger and disappointment looking at her. I remember everything about her. How she felt. How much pain she was in. The feelings of everyday defeat. Such emptiness. Overwhelming disgust.

Being obese to me was an outrageous feeling of hopelessness. Itt was extreme loneliness and a feeling of emptiness that could never be filled. Such a void and yet as an over-eater, you continuously stuff and cram and fill...only to never ever fully feel satisfied. Moments later...the void creeps back. I've said it before...it's a temporary high. Then you crash. It's nothing but a vicious cycle. It happens over and over and over again. Fulfillment doesn't exist. It IS an addiction. Until...YOU gain control.

One of the most common questions I get asked since losing my weight is, "isn't it hard to eat so healthy?" Or, "what do you do when you want something sweet?" Several weeks ago at work, there was a big plate of cookies that someone had brought in. A co-worker of mine asked me if I wanted one and I said "no, thank you". After I said that, another co-worker said, "I wanna be like Nicole and not eat the cookie but it's so hard!" She asked me how I say no. And this was my answer...and it's the absolute truth. I said to her, "when I eat something now, I think about
why I want to eat it. I know how good it's going to taste. I know how it's going to feel as I'm chewing it. I know it'll be just as good as it looks. I know it'll make me happy...for 3 seconds. Then it's over. The feeling is gone. The taste is gone...and what was it all for? I've now put junk into my body. I just ate something that is doing me absolutely no good." That was my response. Is that the response of an emotional eater or what? I couldn't really explain it any better than that. I mean really...99% of the time sweets have no nutritional value.

This is the deal...I ate
without thinking for years and years. If I wanted something to eat, I ate it. It didn't matter what it was. It didn't matter why I was eating it. I simply ate it...without thinking. I ate it because eating was on my mind. I ate it because I was sad, depressed, angry, miserable, happy, confused, bored...whatever. I ate it because I wanted to...not because I was hungry. Not because I needed nutrition. I ate because I COULD. That's it. When you really think about that, it's such an empty reason to eat. Null and void, really.

Now, having said that...I
do eat for enjoyment, occasionally. I'm not saying I never eat a cookie or brownie. I do. I still love to bake and I still bake. I buy candy sometimes and guess what...I eat it, lol. I go out to eat and sometimes I don't make the best choice, but I try to keep the reason I'm eating in check. I know in my heart that I don't ever want to get back into my food addiction. The thought alone terrifies me. I don't want to be that miserable or out of control EVER again. It is a torturous, lonely prison and I don't care what anyone says...I'll say it again...it IS an addiction. It dictates every thought and I refuse to ever let it have control of me again.

2011 is moments away. What will it bring you? Or better yet, what will YOU bring to IT? I challenge you to change your life. I challenge you to love yourself enough to get healthy. I challenge you to gain control. I challenge you to be genuinely happy and feel free from the constant battle. I have faith in YOU!

I know...change is inevitable. Sometimes scary. Frustrating. Sometimes confusing. Depressing. And sometimes change is amazingly good. 2010 has given me all of those things for me. But I KNOW...life is happening the way it is for a reason. It'll take me where I belong. I have friends and family through this process who mean more to me than I can ever say. I have those who have come to me with support and encouragement, who love me no matter who I used to be and no matter who I am now. They have been with me each step and continue to be. They are non-judgmental. They see me for me. They are accepting and true. I truly treasure them. They are who I constantly want in my life. They make me better.

May 2011 bring you peace, joy, health and a NEW YOU!!

2 comments:

Monica said...

I LOVE your post...so inspirational! I pray that I will be able to keep up my "good work" so far! I am starting off slow but am working to compete in my first mini-triathlon in July and beat my time for the MS 150 Bike Ride this year. Our family is once again members of the Y (mostly due to our daughter being on the swim team - while she is at practice I can go in and walk/run or whatever). I can't wait til it warms up b/c I really enjoy doing more excercise stuff outside than inside...just not as boring. Anyway, I really just wanted to say THANK YOU! I will keep you updated on my progress!

Anonymous said...

Just read your blog, looking for inspiration and as always I find it in your words. I am so proud of you and who you are and I always have been. I am blessed to have you as a friend. I continue to look at your path and so want to join you on the healthier version. I am making small steps and will continue to turn to your words for advice. Much love and appreciation for who you are my friend. May 2011 bring you so much joy and laughter and love every day!