Thursday, October 14, 2010

A few random thoughts...

I know, it's been a long time. Life has a way of getting away from us sometimes, but give me credit...I'm here now, right? ;) I've wanted to share a few random thoughts with you and have finally finished up typing and editing this post. I hope it's helpful to someone.

Before I lost my weight, I hated myself. Absolutely, truly hated myself. There was NOTHING about myself that I loved. There was nothing about myself that I even liked anymore. At some point, I remember thinking that the only thing I sort of still liked was my hair, but eventually even that slipped away. I had reached the point to where I hated every body part, every image in the mirror, every photo, even the sound of my voice. I HATED me. I felt completely worthless. Didn't know what my purpose in life was. All I knew was that I was depressed, in chronic pain, miserable and completely unhappy with who my physical self was. I was very uncomfortable in my own skin. I hated being around most people, especially groups of people. But then the weight started coming off and I seemed to quickly learn to not hate myself so much. I learned to like myself. I learned that I COULD BE happy in my own skin. I learned to accept myself. I discovered that I was not worthless. That I deserved to be happy. I saw that life was in front of me and that I didn't want it to pass me by. I wanted to be part of it. I wanted to grab a hold of it and hang on. I wanted to truly live life...and I have started to. But not so fast... something happened. Something else slowly crept in. It was subtle. But it happened. Now, all of the sudden, I take what everyone says to heart. Everyone seems to have an opinion on what I eat, what my body looks like, how much or how little exercise I do or don't do, whether or not I should lose more weight etc. It seems to catapult me back to those feelings of my old self-criticism and self-hatred...except this time, it's what others are saying to me and not what I tell myself. You know, as a girl/woman/female...we already struggle with body image. We pick ourselves apart shred by shred, inch by inch. We're never happy with who we are or what our body looks like. At least most of us aren't. We play the compare game. We size ourselves up against others women and what their body looks like. Since I've lost my weight, I feel like I've entered a whole different realm of criticism. Whether negative or positive, every single comment a person says to me seems to linger with me and make such an impact. It may seem small to them, it may even seem like general conversation but I don't forget. I inventory every comment. If someone says something negative about something I'm wearing...I might not ever wear it again. If it's something negative about what I'm eating, I'll likely not buy it ever again because I feel like I shouldn't be eating it. Or I might fix it differently. If it's something about my exercise, it either deters me from continuing or causes me to obsess about it and do it in private. Every comment seems to make me to doubt myself and yet at the same time I know it's all up to ME (and only me) and not anyone else as far as how I take care of my body. I also know it's just a body...a temporary shell on this earth. Yet, a temple at the same time.

And sometimes...not all the time, but sometimes, I remind myself that I LOST 115 LBS the good old-fashioned way and that I should be PROUD of myself and that it DOES NOT MATTER what anyone else says. I have to learn to be happy with myself. To l♥ve myself. To accept myself. To get to know the real me. To know that I KNOW HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT THE HEALTHY WAY. To not doubt myself. To eat what I want to eat because I KNOW HOW to eat. To exercise when and how I want to. To remember that I KNOW MY BODY better than anyone else does. Ultimately it comes down to not caring about what everyone else thinks, says or makes me feel. That's hard because I've always cared what others think about me. I don't want anyone to think bad of me or to think anything negative about me but I know that you can't make everyone happy. It just doesn't happen that way. Someone is always going to be disappointed. PERIOD. I suppose it's just a constant battle. A constant struggle. I know it's the same with eating as it is with drinking or any other kind of addiction. You may overcome it but it's always something that needs constant awareness and diligence. Something to always keep in check.

So I guess what I have to realize is how far I've come and to remember that I am probably the healthiest I've ever been in my life. I should be grateful for that and simply learn to embrace my body and it's many imperfections.

I've also really wanted to say this for a long time but just don't seem to have the time to sit and type it out, but I want every person that's struggling to lose weight to know that you CAN do it! No matter who you are, no matter how much weight you have to lose, no matter how overwhelming it might CAN do it. Truly. I know you can! The one and more important thing I can tell you is that it has to be a LIFE CHANGE. I also want you to know that I know how it feels. I know that being overweight is painful...physically and mentally. I know that being overweight is embarrassing. I know that starting the weight loss process is the hardest part. I know what it feels like to try and lose weight...100 times over. I know that constant feeling of just wanting nothing but to be a "normal" size. I know how it feels to have ALL of these feelings and emotions and to cover them up by eating...only to have them come back after a binge...over and over and over again. I know the vicious cycle. I know the fear of being unhealthy. I know the fear of having chest pains and wondering if I'll die young. I know the dread of going to the doctor because he/she's just gonna say "you need to lose weight". I know the feeling of wanting to hide every time a camera makes it's appearance. I know how exhausting it is. I know the feeling of always wanting to hide from everyone. I know the tears. I know the depression. I know the loneliness. I know the feeling of defeat and worthlessness. And I KNOW that there are others out there that feel JUST LIKE THIS. Maybe you're reading this right now. Maybe you had every intention to start your weight loss journey this week or maybe when fall arrived. Maybe you're planning to start after the holidays or next Monday or whenever. Whatever the case...JUST START. JUST START!! For me the first month is the hardest, but really...what's 30 days in your life? Do yourself a favor. Change your life for the better. Get yourself out of your pain, your rut, your depression, your frustration and loneliness...whatever it is. FREE YOURSELF!! It truly is an amazing feeling!

You know...this journey I've been on has CHANGED.MY.LIFE. My blog has been an outlet for me and I hope that it's also enlightened you in the process and even more, I hope it's inspired you. As always, if I can help anyone, please use the contact form in the right column and I will try to help you in any way that I can!