Sunday, November 29, 2009

End of the month wrap-up...

It’s the end of the month which means, time to say goodbye to November, goodbye to additional pounds, goodbye to more fat and update my stats!

This month in my life proved to be a lot to handle, frankly. For the first time since I began this journey, there was a week where I didn’t lose any/didn’t gain any and I’ll be honest…it freaked me out. I didn’t like the scale much that morning. But that was also a very emotional week (see my last post). It was eye-opening and now I'm dealing with sorting it all out which has not and will not be easy. It’s always on my mind now. I guess time is what I need. I don't know. I will say that the next week was much better when I lost 4lbs. *Whew*.

So…here’s how November broke down for me:

I lost 16.2 lbs this month bringing me from 282 in July to 209.8 now! That’s a total of 72.2 lbs lost since I’ve started (20 weeks!). I’m averaging a 3.6 lb loss/week.

This month, I lost an additional 6 combined inches: (bringing me to a total of 27.5 inches lost since July)

1.5 inches – bust

4 inches – hips

.5 inch – neck (this measurement makes me laugh but I can tell the difference!)

My BMI on November 1st was 34.4 and since losing these 16.2lbs, it’s now at 31.9. Note: You can calculate your own BMI by going here.

Next week (and month!), I’m working my butt off. I took this last week completely off from working out at the YW. My body needed the break and as it turned out, I ended up being sick for 4-5 days so it probably needed the rest anyway. I did walk a few evenings but as for cardio and strength training…NONE this week. The center was also closed 2 out of 3 of my pool days, so I missed that for sure (I have no clue how I’m doing to deal with the center being closed for 2 weeks for the December holidays!). I’m okay with it but I’m kicking it up next week. I have to. I still want to reach my next goal of a total of 80lbs lost by the end of December which means I have just less than 10 lbs to lose in the next month. That seems very attainable. :)

Speaking of December, so many people have asked me how I’m going to do it with the holidays. People…I’ve changed and when I say that, I mean it. I don’t know how else to say it. The holidays don’t scare me one bit. I know they ask me because they know I use to love to bake. I’d bake loads of cookies. I’d stand on my feet in the kitchen ALL DAY and bake. I’d try new recipes. I’d share with the neighbors. I’d take a boatload to my mom’s for Christmas Eve. I’d take them to my In-Laws. I’d also eat a lot myself. I tell ya…the best way I can explain it is that food was a temporary high for me. You eat it, you feel good while you’re eating it and then for me…I’d come off the high and crash. Hard. Then came the guilt and regret of eating it. Beating myself up. Man, talk about an addiction. It is an addiction. It’s just NOT worth it to me anymore though. I’d much rather pass it by or simply choose to not have it in my house. I’ve changed. My life has changed. My outlook on food has changed. Food no longer controls me. It’s not a priority…or should I say, food is a priority but it’s a different priority. It’s about making healthy, sensible choices. It’s about fueling my body with nutrition and not empty calories. There are other things about the holidays that I will enjoy just as much and I’ll feel so much better about indulging in friends or family as opposed to holiday food. Other things in my life make me happy now and I know I’ve said it before and I truly mean it…there is no food that I could eat that would make me happier than I feel about myself right now. The cookies, the candy, the sweets, the parties, the festivities, the holidays, whatever… BRING IT ON. :)

Look for another post from me soon...I've already got it started.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Caught up in a whirlwind...

Gosh, I’ve wanted to post for a few weeks but time just seems to slip away…

First and foremost…as I mentioned in my last post, my first goal was to lose 60lbs by Nov. 10thth and as of Nov. 8th I've lost 61.6lbs! I knew I could do it and now I’m looking forward to my next goal… 80lbs lost by the end of December. I can do it. I will do it! Thanks again to my nutritionist friend for giving me goals! It helps me to see the light at the end of the tunnel for sure...

I’m typing this blog post as a sit waiting for blood work to be done. It’s a 2 hour deal (glucose test) so I figured this was as good a time as any. I’m looking forward to my blood results as I have PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) w/Insulin Resistance (a pre-diabetic condition but can be reversed with proper diet and exercise) and am hoping that my life changes over the past 4 months will have changed how my body deals with this. I would love to come back and post that I no longer have it, but we’ll see. *Fingers crossed*

Life is moving along in this journey of mine and I’ve learned a great deal over the last month especially. I’ve been given something that I didn’t bargain for or was ever prepared for and that’s the overwhelming emotional journey and changes of losing 60+ lbs thus far. I’m not sure how comfortable I feel getting personal out here in cyberspace but I’ll say what I feel I can and I hope it’ll be of some help to someone. If anything, it’ll be therapeutic for me to get it out, so thanks in advance for sticking with me.

I have learned without a shadow of a doubt that society absolutely judges a person that is morbidly obese (or obese or overweight or whatever you want to call it. That just happened to be me 4 months ago). It happens. It’s sad. It’s wrong. It’s unfair. It’s judgmental. It’s just not right. It’s happened to me and although before my weight loss, I’m not sure I realized it was happening to me. Over the past month, I’ve had numerous run-ins with people from my life that treated me different when I was obese than how they treated me when I saw them recently.

I was shopping a month or so ago and I saw a lady who I’ve known for many years. There was this part of me that wanted to approach her and say hi (thanks to my new-found confidence!) and the other part of me wanted to hide within the clothes on the rack because I had always felt like she looked down on me. She always had a way of making me feel beneath her. She made me feel like I was less than her. I had seen her out and about many times before only to have her look away and continue on as if she didn’t see me. She made me feel like nothing and I hated that feeling. It’s a feeling of despair. I would instantly feel so stupid when she was around. This time was different and I didn’t know how to handle it. She saw me and I was instantly enveloped with a tight hug from her. She told me she had heard that I was losing weight and was working hard at it. She told me how happy she was for me. She told me she thought it was wonderful. She told me I looked fantastic. She started to cry. Tears. Real tears. For me. I didn’t know what to do with it. She told me that I must feel amazing. I told her I did feel amazing. She told me how proud of me she was. I thanked her for her kind words and thanked her for her happiness for me and she hugged me again. When I walked away, I felt numb. I felt confused. I found myself thinking, “She likes me now”. “She likes me now because I’m thinner”. “She likes me because I look more normal”. “She didn’t like me before because I was obese”. “I’m good enough for her now”. “She stopped and talked to me because it wasn’t embarrassing for her this time”. This experience turned out to be very overwhelming for me. I’ve thought about it a lot since then. I've dissected it and analyzed it. Probably too much.

I also had another experience at a local business that I go to once every month or two. There are a few girls that work there and it’s always been uncomfortable. I dreaded going in there. I dreaded the looks I would get when I walked in. I dreaded the fact that sometimes I had to draw attention to myself (or at least it felt like that) when I had to ring the bell to get service. I dreaded that I had to go back to pick up what I had dropped off a few days later. This time was different. I walked in and saw their eyes grazing my body from top to bottom. I saw smiles. One of them called back to the other one “to come and see” me. They were so happy to see me. They made me feel welcome. They told me that I looked great. They said they hardly recognized me. They treated me like a fairly normal-sized person (or at least what I feel like fairly normal-sized is). Again, overwhelming and confusing. I wasn’t ever fully accepted before this.

On the other hand, I’ve had the opposite happen and again, I didn’t expect it. This time, someone close to me. Someone that’s been in my life for many years. This person does not feel comfortable being around me nor will this person acknowledge my weight loss. It is a strange thing. It hurts and yet, I understand it. Let’s just clear the air and point out that this person is not my hubby, lol!

These are just a few that I feel I can share here. I think I’ll keep the rest to myself for now.

It just seems like someone should tell you when you start a life-changing journey like this that you should be prepared for the emotional toll, both positive and negative? Over the past month or so, the emotional changes in my life have been extremely difficult to sort out and make sense of. I’ve literally lost sleep about it. I wake up thinking about it. I fall asleep thinking about it. When I’m driving, I think about it. It’s funny…when I was thinking of a title for my blog, I thought about it for weeks. I had a list of ten or so titles and finally settled on “Getting to Know the Real Nicole” without knowing then that I’d truly be doing just that through this journey. I could feel that I was changing and something was going on with me at that time, but not to the capacity that I’m feeling now. Sometimes, I truly do not know who I am. Really, I don’t.

I'm finding that is seems like I’m quickly scooping out the past 15 years and tossing it all aside in a big heap. But with all that grunge that’s being tossed, there’s also bits of goodness that need to be sorted out and figured out. There’s 12 years of marriage with someone who’s been nothing but perfect, there’s family who has loved me no matter my size, there’s life lessons I’ve learned, there’s memories that can’t ever be replaced etc. But it’s hard when I was the old Nicole for so long. I knew her but the old Nicole had settled. She existed. She got by day by day, barely. She covered up her emotions. She hid it all away so no one could see…so she wouldn’t be vulnerable. She ran from uncomfortable situations. She had zero confidence. Zero self-esteem. She pretended. She put up a good front. She thrived on no one seeing her. Her thoughts were kept down deep. She felt worthless. She began to wonder what her purpose truly was.

And then...all of the sudden this new person emerges with a brand new outlook on life and living. She has fresh thoughts, new feelings, different wants, different desires, changes and emotions and it’s all packed tight within this new Nicole who I’m trying to get to know. All of those fresh thoughts, feelings etc, are bursting at the seams to be free. They want out. They want to experience life and newness. She wants to always be doing something. She wants to be with people. She wants to be active and healthy. She wants to make clean, healthy choices. She wants to get to know new people. She wants to share her life with others as well as learn about theirs. She is always thinking. She is constantly observing. She wants to feel life and all it has to offer. She is confident. She feels good about herself. She is almost always soaking up happiness and joy. She wants to be involved in life. She is full of energy. She feels young and alive. She is now thriving on what it feels like to truly live. This is the new Nicole and I like her. For once, I like me.

It feels like I have a new world in front of me that is filled with opportunity and second chances. I’ve been given a fresh start. I just have to seek out what I want to take with me and what to leave behind. I need to learn what I expect of myself and others. I need to take time to introduce my new self to me as well as others and to understand that not only is this a major life adjustment for me but for those close to me as well. It’s proving to be a difficult path to walk. Sometimes scary. It’s the unknown and the unseen that makes me edgy. I just need to take it one day at a time and lean on those that I'm close to and that I can trust and depend on. I need that in my life.

It's a very complicated experience to express in words. As I type this, my words are seeming so simple but I hope this is making sense to someone who is reading this...